“People treat you the way you teach them.” My grandmother would tell me this often when she was bestowing jewels of advice to me in regards to love and dealing with men. She also often instructed me to never beg a man to love me. This is how he loses respect for you. You are not a dog! She sternly expressed. I can remember sitting at her dining room table and her refusing to allow me to call back a guy I was dating who suddenly decided unbeknownst to me, that he no longer wanted to have anything to do with me. This love mantra if you will, is what assisted me in deciding who I should continue to date and whose time on my clock has just ended. Ding!
This is why when I hear other Black women make comments that Black men are more willing to treat White women better while dating and in a relationship than they would Black women, I have to offer the screw face. Now, this topic is an onion of sorts because it is packed with so many layers that I even had trouble deciding how I should attack it.
Let me start by first reflecting on one of my grandmother’s mantras. People treat you the way you teach them to treat you. I think that before any sista can complain about how she is treated by a Black man, she must first decide what it is about her that would allow him to mistreat her. In other words, before we can go on the attack we have to take ownership of our own issues. I guarantee that the relationship did not begin with him mistreating you. Usually this works as a slippery slope. This is why it is important to nip any bad behavior from your boo in the butt at first sight. This man needs to understand that mistreatment of any kind will not be tolerated. This is not up for negotiation. Once that is in order, you must then determine how you want to be loved. Making that determination is key is weeding out the losers and time wasters.
Having said all of that, here is where the problem comes in and where the sistas disappoint me. When a man first meets you, he has no idea on what to expect from you. He does not know anything about your personality or your past. This is where you teaching him what is allowable and what is not, is urgent. If you refuse or are too afraid to be vocal and to back up the vocals with action, then you are to blame. Not him. Did I just say that a woman being mistreated by a man is not the man’s fault? Yup!
Let’s dissect this whole inequality among Black and White women from Black men. I do agree that there is a level of truth in this. I am not blind to the ways of our society and I hope that you aren’t either otherwise you are going to have a hard life.
For one, our society grooms African Americans from the day we are born to believe that White women are superior in all facets than women of color. They do this by placing them on a proverbial pedestal. They are adored for their beauty, aspects of Black beauty that were seen as unattractive on a Black woman are seen as exotic on a White woman. They are protected by society and appreciated more overall for their contributions. Black women are viewed as overly aggressive. More masculine than feminine in our temperaments. We have often been reserved the role of work horse rather than princess.
So, a Black man who has grown up in our world would have a hell of a battle in not falling victim to the guidelines that society has laid before him his whole life. Having a White woman on your arm equals success and achievements. Having a Black woman on your arm equals nappy headed babies, and a sassy mouth barking at you. Which is why in my opinion, some, not all Black men, opt for dating White women specifically.
You have arrived brotha! Break out the champagne and forego the malt liquor. So, on a subconscious level, Black men are groomed to be more appreciative towards White women then they would a Black woman. Therefore by default, treating a White woman a hell of a lot better than they would a Black woman.
But now let’s go back to that old mantra. The one about teaching someone how to treat you and making those guidelines defined. I firmly believe that delusions lie on both the side of Black men and Black women. While Black men may have fallen victim to some social manipulations, we have our issues as well sistas.
Many sistas have become more accepting of being mistreated by Black men for whatever reason. Whether it be loyalty, a kinship, whatever. (Disclaimer- I am fully aware that men of any race, creed, or religion can be a jerk, but for the sake of this discussion, we are going to keep it on the relationships between Black men and Black women. ) Sure, there are plenty of Black women with the loudest mouths in America who are quick to tell a a man what he is not going to do, how he is not going to do it, and when and where. After the show is over all of the screaming has ended, he still does whatever the hell he wants and she still accepts it. So in essence, nothing has changed.
Let me tell you a secret that many of us may not know. It is not a man’s responsibility to see to it that he treats us well! (Gasps!) The responsibility has always lied with us. We make the final decision on how we will be loved. My grandfather once told me that I have all of the power in the relationship. It is up to me how much of it I am going to give to the man. You see, a man does not come into our lives having power over us. No, no, no. That is something that must be handed over to them by us. We have the final decision and all of the power when it comes to deciding how we want to be loved. Not a man. Whether he be Black, White, Hispanic or the other.
So while there may be some brothas who have a bitterness or even loathing feelings towards sistas and are reluctant to love us as hard as they would a White woman, (their loss) this does not lessen our worth or our power in dating. We have the same power that any White woman possesses while dating. Perhaps we are just not using it.
LaJuanda
I agree with your article as it relates to dating. But once you have been married a long time sometimes in the interest of being a good mother and wife you start to lose yourself and after 20 or 30 years you slowly may start to allow somethings you would have never put up with while dating. You might have been young and considered professionAl and cute before you got married but fast forward 25 years you may be a little frumpy or have sacrificed your career. From my experience you don’t get credit for the way you were or what you slowly gave up for the marriage. The fact that you may have demanded respect in the beginning does not mean it will continue . So ladies don’t lose yourself in your marriage because some men forget about what you do for them.
Black guys especially in England love white girls and treat them like princesses they especially love the blonde hair blue eyes.
The minds of our black men are brain washed. When your having discussion with your family members on why they like white girls and there saying things like cause they have nice hair. It’s a sad thing as that’s just self hatred normally there only with the black guy cause he’s black that’s like a trend now ‘Urban’ they call it.
I say black women need to smarten up cause I’ve seen it for my self they will make the white girl there girlfriend and sleep with the black girls.
Black women need to smarten up don’t allow them to do it. Find yourself a white man they have more stability less chance of them walking out on there children. Normally they treat you better you can always sleep with black guys and use them like they use us.
Wow you’re dumb…. Women do not care 1/10 that of men how identical their babies look to them. Especially white women. Ever notice how so many white women adopt mixed babies? White women fuking love mixed kids lol if anything that’s why the div rate of Asian females and white guys is so high. Because white men hate that their kids look nothing like them. Asians have the most Dom genes as a matter of fact.
What are you talking about??? You don’t really know. White women love black babies, hence their love for back men otherwise why would there be a flipping baby. Duh!!!! I realize some people are slower and more naive than others….On the issue of why black men treat white women so special, this article reflects precision and truth to the historical reasons for this behavior. Im not even going to waste time with further explanation; however, just take a look at advertisements, commercials, and other media supporting the absence of black women.
What are you talking about??? You don’t really know. White women love black babies, hence their love for back men otherwise why would there be a flipping baby. Duh!!!! I realize some people are slower and more naive than others….On the issue of why black men treat white women so special, this article reflects precision and truth to the historical reasons for this behavior. Im not even going to waste time with further explanation; however, just take a look at advertisements, commercials, and other media supporting the absence of black women.
Great African American Inventors [NOOK Book]
Our species has come along way since the days of living in caves. The world over has all kinds of different fruit to chose from. People should not let others plant a bad seed
in their mind who they should pick as their mate. Love doesn’t have a color mark on it. Remember if you love yourself first the color of a person’s skin is blind and shouldn’t matter. Use you’re heart in a way that will make you happy, not someone else’s because of their negative views/believes.
As soon as people start using their minds the
way Jesus Christ intended. Then the world
will be a better place for everybody.
Well, i see some sense out of what you wrote. However, i do see white men cheats and lies as well as black/yellow/green men ( U know what i mean). I think it all matters of the culture they brought up in. Nowadays music industry shapes people’s thoughts and actions, and mistreatment became a fashion (aka brainwash). I dont see how someone can say that black men is with white women because white women are easier to get and easier to lie! Thats just rubbish! So yeah, its all what you let the other person do to you, it has nothing to do with race.
I was under the impression that Black men sought out white women because they can take advantage of them more easily than black women. I’m speaking in generlizations.
I also want to say, that it is NOT the woman’s fault that a man abuses her. Just because someone isn’t confidant enough to set limits, or who doesn’t believe she deserves better and falls victim to an abusive man, doesn’t mean she asked for it or deserves it. Men have no right to lay their hands on women and they should be punished!! Women who fall victims to this are often been victims there whole lives and don’t know how to help themselves. It would be like blaming a woman for being out at night for being raped. A good man would never harm a woman even if she deserved it!
I agree with a lot of what you say. We do teach people how to treat us, we also choose the people in our lives. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I pick up pretty quick on a guy who is not good and steer clear. As soon as I see the first sign of a man who is abusive, rude, aggressive, mean, selfish……. I leave. I don’t want a man like this in my life, and I get to choose the type of people I surround myself with. I would not tolerate a lying, stealing, mean, abusive man. We are done the first time he SCREAMS in my face, or the first time he grabs my arm. I don’t have to wait for him to punch me. I had a boyfriend get so mad and frustrated with me that he punched a hole in the wall next to my head. That is the last time I had anything to do with him……that was it. He was mad because I was calling him on the fact that he cheated on me and I was leaving him. He bought me an engagement ring begged me to marry him, did everything he could to get me back. All I thought about was how miserable I would be married to this man and knew that even though I still loved him now, that he was not what I wanted for myself. I choose!!
GO ELLIE!
Your grandmother isn’t a wise woman. I know our culture tends to equate age with wisdom and experience but this is a classic case of blaming/shaming the victim because its easier than challenging the perp. People will treat you the way they want to, it just a question of excuses. Treating someone badly because they allowed it is a glorified excuse not to treat someone with the same respect expected. If Black men are treating white women better its because they want to, not because they’ve been compelled to treat someone different based race/skin color. Call it the prejudice and bigotry that it is. Male identified women are so stupid.
Sorry to burst anyone’s bubble who does not see the behavior of white men and white women as the reverse of what they actually feel–on a subconscious level, and that is as a whole white people feel “genetically” inferior to blacks and ultimately all of people of color.
Their political standing in the world is simply their way of not facing a very painful reality–the fear of genetic annihilation. To further explain–when a black person and white person mixes the child is black, this is because black people possess the original genotype/genome of humanity so it comes as no surprise that white women on a subconscious level would compete with the women on Earth who possess the key to ALL humanity (black women). That is a reputation that white women cannot live up to no matter how many black men they date or marry. The problem that many of these white women do not realize in their subconscious quest to compete with black women is that procreating with a black man thus reinforces her recessive genes as her child will be black. This is ultimately the cause of why the pairing of black men and white women marriages have a high divorce rate– a black man ultimately becomes disillusioned by his white wife’s inability to accept their children as black and not “biracial”. This is essentially why many white men do not marry black women–they know the outcome of having children will result in having to face the reality of their recessive genes.
If white women and white people honestly felt that white women were superior to black women–they would not dedicate 90% of their advertising to creams, potions, hair products and so forth to make them more “attractive”. The reason why white women may be paying for enhancement surgery for their lips, and other body parts is because white men subconsciouslly desire black women–but cannot act on this fact because he will destroy himself genetically–the safest way is to mold the white woman into his fantasy black women. Once black people and other people of color realize these dynamics and why they exist–order can be restored to this world.
yr8z
Amir, you are an idiot. It would be better for you not to even say anything if you can’t make an intelligent comment.
Amir, thanks for that. Funniest thing I’ve read in years. As the white father of “biracial” children (or just “my beautiful kids”, as I call them), the only thing inferior that I can see, is racist idiots like you. Luckily, and similar to all petty racists, you will succumb to your own devices, allowing your hatred to pull you down until your life is one huge and bitter complaint. Your children (should you ever have any) will grow to despise the views you carelessly forced upon them. They will then, in hateful spite, date or even marry outside of their race, much to your chagrin, and you’ll die bitter and alone. Just like all racists should.
But God still loves you, so… At least you got that going for you. You huge loser.
You and Only YOU teach men how to treat you. If you don’t know how to treat or love yourself…How do expect someone else to?
You and Only YOU teach men how to treat you. If you don not how to treat or love yourself…How do expect someone else to?
If a black man wants to be with a white woman, let him be! In his mind, he wouldn’t be happy with a Sister. For the Sister who’s strictly about the Brothers, don’t worry. Most BM still date and marry BW. For the Sister who chooses to broaden her horizons, the world is your oyster.
But I will say this: There are white chicks out there who prey on BM. To them, it doesn’t matter if their prey is in a relationship or not!
this is very tru. We see how white celebrities want to features of a black woman which they can;t get naturally. one good example is kim kardashian, so fake from head to toe. We see how the media always emphasing her “plastic surgery beautiness” but do we get the same treatment for beautiful med-dark brown skinned celebrities with beautiful bodies, Unfortunately we DONT! Intstead they focus on someone who is less black like beyonce but has just the physical features of an africn woman, just because she has some black genes in her and as usual black phyical fetures are usually more dominant in a mixed race person, ie: nose, hair, lips, body shape.
wow, the article is pretty much the same complaint we all have been having for the last ten years and then when my mom used to complain back in the day in the 80s. i do not see but one group of men putting their women down while bragging and promoting dating outside their race…..black men. i do not even see white men who exclusively date asian or latina women put down their white women. i only see black men who will date and marry a nonblack women who is much under him financially, educationally and physcially. when i see a white, asian, latino man with a black woman she will either be beautiful and fine or very educated and fair looking. perfect example : janet jackson and her billionaire beau wissam al bana. if it were a black man with janet’s same wealth and fame , i bet you 100.00 he would have been with a poor white women, strippeer, makeup artist but not another celeb or heiress on his same level ??? people are laughing at us , especially black men. my cousin was at a local eatery where she observed 3 white cops looking and laughing at a black man who ran to the bar to buy a drink for white chick that looked like rosie o’donnell who didn’t even knew this man was looking at her. but he ignored the 3 black chicks who looked like models for the overweight , homely white women. my cousin said the cops kept looking, nodding and grinning the whole time. so very sad.
Totally agreed with you except where you state fair skin as a winning combo. We need to learn colour is beautiful in all shades from white to brown to yellow and so on. Black men have issues I always say if Oprah was a black man he would have a string of trashy white women all claiming a portion of wealth. Black men lower the threshold for white women which is why they go mad for their Rosie O’Donnells. At least Obama has sense and taste!!
YASSSSS!!!! TELL IT!
I think this was a great article. I agree with alot of what u said. Some people on here dont want to admit that its true that most white women think they are better and look better than most black women. Only thing i disagree with is the black man and white woman situation. I see that some black men would prefer to be with a white woman because they can get away with more things and do whatever they want to do without her complaining. So white gets treated worse.
I definitely agree with you about some black men only dating white women so they can get away with more. I have a lot of interracial couples in my family and white men only date the black women that look like models or at least in my family and some of the black men will completely ignore beautiful black women for trashy white girls.
i gotta agree with Kim’s comment. I’m sorry LaJuanda, but seems like the articles you write seems to have a common pattern of feeling victimized, some kind of unfairness done to you, and it’s too extreme. Yes, there are still racism, sexism and “ageism” prevalent in this country but it is changing, and it’s all a matter of perspective. It goes both ways, focusing on one side of the story is never fair. Centralizing an article on stereotypes only perpetuates such mind set. Didn’t even realize that you were the write for this article until I came to the very end of it, but it was like, ‘oh, I see, no wonder’ response to it rather than, ‘this is insightful, encouraging and objective’.
It’s nice that you’ve paid a little bit of attention to how eurocentric beauty views effect us all, now maybe you should also do some research into how society has socialized us (aka you) to look at gender in society as well. Because this article is riddled with misogynist, victim blaming undertones.
Very well written and very true. I know my worth and I will stop and loser/time waster in his tracks.